in harmony.
flowing like a river.
without pretense.
prepared… to be… me.
✨I’m getting there at least ✨
It’s HARD.
Life is feeling REALLY hard lately… and not even in the way I ever would have used that word before. I guess I never really FELT adversity before. I’ve been through plenty but nothing has ever really FELT hard… I’ve been SOOO good at DOING and getting shit DONE and so checked out from the present moment I really never experienced much… of anything!! And I have never felt the feelings that I have been having, which is best described as sadness and grief.
It’s become so apparent in the last few weeks that I’ve spent A LOT of time running off of a mix adrenaline and distractions while completely disassociated for just about every moment… willing my way through life and do do doing off pure adrenaline. I’m no expert, so maybe it’s not adrenaline but that’s how it feels. You know that feeling when there is a legit emergency and you just DO whatever needs to be done to get through…but afterwards, it can take some time to get back to a more regulated state. That’s basically been every moment of my life up until this point… THANKFULLY this way of living has been dissolving but what’s on the other side is NOT what I was expecting 😭
I have noticed a lot of things about myself as I am becoming more present and embodied.
I’ve noticed that when I do revert to this old method of functioning (it seems to come out most often when I am parenting or serving other’s) it has become increasingly difficult, both in the moment and afterwards, to recover from what feels like the trauma of being in that state.
Also, everything “hard” now feels… HARD.
WHAT THE FUCK!
I would have hoped that after observing, accepting, and growing life would become EASIER and LESS “hard” lol
But NOW… as happy and grounded as I would say I generally AM… when I do hard things they feel HARD AF.
For example,
I just finished a busy week of work, planning, cleaning and prepping for my sons 10th birthday.
I’ve thrown my children big fun birthday parties just about every year since they were born.
I am now realizing the only way to keep up with the INSANELY HIGH standards I’ve created for myself is to use “my old ways”… this also trickles into relationships… I am noticing, what I thought were relational ways of being, are only really possible if I completely abandon my own needs… I’ve been going in circles and in circles with how to reconcile this.
I don’t want to rely on others because I’ve been let down time and time again.
I don’t want to care if people mean what they say because it has not been the case, time and time again.
I don’t want to need help with anything because the help never fully comes.
I’ve been trying REALLY HARD to deny my NEEDS.
The truth IS.
I DO want to rely on others for help. I NEED help.
I DO care if people mean what they say as this is a pillar of my own values.
There is only one solution.
Boundaries.
BIG ONES.
I don’t want to live a life of solitude.
I want community.
I want friends.
I want LOVE.
I have to remind myself that in order to receive what I WANT and what I NEED I must make space for ALL that I DESERVE. If I am not prepared to be ME then who and what is meant for me will not be able to find me.
in harmony.
flowing like a river.
without pretense.
prepared… to be… me.
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