I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can't...
whenever I don’t want to do something all my brain tells me is I can’t, I can't, I can’t, I can't...
I obviously can, and I do, but I have to force myself.
In order to do anything, I don’t want to do, it requires force…
Which is a very exhausting way to live.
My whole life, I can remember even saying to people, sometimes in a joking way and sometimes in a more serious way; that I literally struggle to do anything I don’t want to do. I can remember saying to people the thought alone, of doing something I don’t want to do, gives me such anxiety and is sometimes immobilizing and paralyzing… and sometimes... I... just... can’t.
This is partly, how I discovered... I serrrrrrriously........ have adhd.
This is never the story I expected to be telling or sharing… which seems to be how most epic stories begin.
14 years ago... I was 24 years old.
I had absolutely no idea who I was... and had been an "atheist" my whole life... but started to feel there was something more. Naturally (if you know me 😁 ), the obvious step was to travel to Israel and explore my jewish roots...
When I returned, in an attempt to save the relationship I was in, thinking it was the right thing to do and certain that I believed…
I had a pastor baptize my soon-to-be husband and me.
In a hotel pool.
We went on to get married, had two kids, left the church... and then… I started cumming into myself.
The marriage was strained before it even began and I did everything in my power to make it work.
Until I realized there was more for me out there, and that I could maybe be in love one day and I could maybe be truly happy.
And so, I left the marriage and became a single mom with two small kids.
It was around this time I decided to get off the anti-anxiety meds I was on and try to manage my anxiety with plant medicine instead. My doctor trusted my research and weaned me off the drugs.
One night after I smoked, I had the feeling to explore my own body, which is not something that I had ever had (much of) a desire to do.
Soon after, I unintentionally developed a meditative self-pleasure practice. I would joke about it to my friends, I would say: “I’ve never been able to meditate in my whole life and I’ve never had an orgasm in my whole life and now… I’m meditating and having orgasms, simultaneously.”
I didn’t know it at the time, but it became my spiritual practice... my own self-tantric practice.
... I met a lot of new people during this time, got triggered in a gazillion different ways and learned a lot about myself.
Ultimately, I ended up thinking I really hated who I was.
And for a short time, didn’t think there was any way to escape that.
So accepted I would stay alive for my kids.
… and I guess that is when the healing truly began.
There have been so many ups and downs along this road.
About a year and a half after leaving my marriage my friend Jeanelle and I reconnected.
She told me all about how she quit drinking and was going to open an alcohol-free nightclub.
At first, I thought it was funny and silly and who would do that?
I was a very heavy drinker at the time and would drink at least a bottle of wine a night (sometimes, more).
I never considered myself an alcoholic, not because I was in denial of how much I drank or even that it might be a (serious) problem, but because it wasn’t an addiction in the way that I saw addiction, I knew people who were addicted to alcohol. I’ve seen that before. I’ve known people that had no power over that in their lives and it didn’t feel that’s what it was for me, I just needed to quiet my mind, I just needed a break...
by any means necessary… that’s how it felt.
Soon after Jeanelle and I reconnected I decided I was done drinking too.
I could no longer think of any reason to.
I wanted to be able to relax, I wanted to be able to sleep, I wanted to be able to dance and have fun, without having to consume poison.
And just like that, I stopped drinking. And I haven’t had a drink since. It’s been 1000 days!!
The alcohol-free nightclub became a joint effort,
The Rise Up Social Club
we started planning the opening…
And then… covid happened.
The trajectory of my life almost immediately changed. As it did for many many people!
I decided I was going to go back to school for law, become a paralegal and/or a lawyer and help people fight back against tyranny. I was devoted to bringing an end to the suffering that was going on due to the lockdowns and restrictions.
I enrolled in the paralegal program. Did that for a year, and was involved in a big legal challenge.
Things quickly became very stressful and I didn't think I could continue on in that field, I felt like I had just embarked on a true spiritual journey, and this just took me somewhere else altogether.
During this time I met one of the most special beings.
He became my mentor and showed me through his conscious presence, that perhaps I could be a spiritually grounded legal professional.
So I did… until I couldn’t anymore.
... I decided to take my kids to Florida, for freedom, rest, and recalibration.
Shortly after arriving in Florida I heard the sanskrit mantra (Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu) in a song, I didn’t know how, but I knew “Lokah” would be my soul's purpose fulfilled.
And so, Lokah was born.
There have been many bumps and turns along the road.
I’ve spent the last year doing some deeper inner work. I’ve had so many expansive experiences; I’ve met so many incredible beings.
And then, right when I thought I had it all figured out.
I stopped smoking weed.
That was a few weeks ago, and what’s unfolded since… I can only say,
my life is forever changed.
I realized that over the past year, I immersed myself in all of these different worlds, learning about tantra, learning about different spiritual practices, learning about all sorts of vedic traditions, learning about different religions, politics, doing my own self-healing work inspired by people like Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist), I read some amazing books, synced with my menstrual cycle, remembered who I really was.
Alllllllll the things I’ve been talking about.
And I thought all of this changed me.
I thought it fixed me.
I thought it healed me.
I thought that I was somebody new.
And then when I stopped smoking weed, I realized… I was the same.
I was (almost 😉) the exact same.
What has significantly changed
is my awareness!
I cannot change my being, and I’m getting to the place where I no longer even want to!
All of the work I have done has not been in vain.
All of the work I’ve done, all of the experiences I've had, all the relationships that blossomed and ended.
None of it was in vain.
All lessons learned.
Which led me to this ginormous shift in awareness, that’s cultivated deep compassion, not only for myself but for others.
Shortly after this realization, I started to recognize myself in a profile that I was following online.
Similarities in; language, tone, writing style, and just overall attitude... there was something deeply similar in this person to me.
I also noticed... that she boldly advertised, she has adhd.
And then I remembered…
So do I.
Four years ago, I came to this conclusion.
I then went to my doctor and therapist and told them this was the case. They both validated my opinion, and my doctor prescribed me medication and I took it, and it “worked”…
but I didn’t feel like me.
So, I ditched the meds and figured I’d just figure it out on my own, “like usual…”
And then I literally forgot. Forgot I had adhd.
Out of “sight”, out of mind… I never even thought about it again.
Until now.
This time was a completely different experience realizing I have adhd.
I immediately joined a bunch of women’s support groups and began reading all of these other women’s stories. There is nothing more that has resonated so deeply in my entire life.
I am just like these women.
I don’t like labels. I’m not big on that.
But!
It’s very valuable to have labels and categories for the purpose of organizing information and building community.
And so, while I like to say I “vibrate a bit differently” there is no fucking doubt I am neuro-divergent and at the very least “have adhd”.
This has been an extremely painful realization.
Initially, it was really exciting to feel so validated and liberated… and then it was deeply sad.
The grief was very heavy. Mourning the life, I could have had, had I been supported.
I initially had a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents for not being there in the ways that I needed.
Especially my dad.
One night, I wrote a message.
I thought the feelings I was having and the message I wrote were in response to and meant for, my last lover…
But I realized the message was not actually for him... but for my dad.
So I sent it to him instead.
I knew he wouldn’t understand, and I knew he wouldn’t respond in the way that I needed (he didn’t x 2 lol) but I had to do it for me. My dad, also, vibrates differently. Kind of like me. Which explains everything about me and so much of my family dynamics.
I love my dad. As painful as it is, I am trying to accept he will never be there in the way my heart desires.
I also know, it’s only up to me to fulfill my heart's desires 🤍
I’m working on it.
I am now starting to feel really lit up about sharing my story and encouraging women to not give up and understand all the answers are within.
I am so devoted to continuing my mission with Lokah. And now expanding that vision to really acknowledge and advocate for people like me and people who are different.
I would also like to generate more awareness in the helping professions around neurodiversity.
I very well may have:
a mother wound,
a father wound,
an anxious attachment style with avoidant tendencies…
YES I am, an aries!!! (☀️)
(… I’m also an aquarius 🌕 and libra ↑ 😉)
OH and according to Human Design I’m a projector with instinctive intuition and I’m a 5/1: Challenge Solver 💁♀️
All of these things are a part of me and I think identifying they exist is VERY valuable BUT identifying WITH any of them is NOT the way.
I believe the solution is to learn and identify all the parts of who you are, remove shame from the equation completely and embrace it all. Use labels if it helps you navigate this world. But at the end of the day love yourself, embrace yourself, create strong AF boundaries for yourself and honour yourself at all times.
Also, understand that even if you *vibrate a bit differently* this is exactly how God created you and there is nothing wrong 🤍
My journey was a little out of order. But it brought me exactly where I was meant to be.
✨ Lokah ✨
May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.
Love,
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