10 months I’ve been on this intense wild journey.
It started with a dark night of the soul and as I began to remember who I am and what my purpose is it began to feel like a rebirth… into the divine feminine creatrix that I am.
But I feel blocked.
The pressure to provide scares me.
I have a major limiting belief that because the masculine is designed to provide and the feminine is designed to surrender I would never fully come into the fullness of who I am without a masculine partner in my life.
I have taken a serious break from embodying any form of masculine energy and the thought of “going back” to a life that includes that part of myself fills me with dread… and fear.
I just want to be free! Free to flow and have no limits…
I’ve been telling myself that my main fear is losing myself again. Becoming so tightly wound, always doing, doing, doing with no time to just BE… I never want to go back to that life.
But the truth is, I’m afraid when I step into the fullness of who I am I will not want a masculine partner in my life and for so many reasons that thought breaks my heart and I’m afraid there is no going back if that is to occur… and so, I’ve been resisting this work and distracting myself.
Distracting myself mostly by accessing joy and surrender through lifestyle and effort.
… Which I am so thankful I had the courage to do.
I am so grateful for all I have learned about myself over the last several months and I am so proud of myself for being open to trying (so many!!!) new things… this has allowed me to relax into myself and remember who I am.
Over the last few weeks I’ve noticed the things I’ve been leaning on to generate those feelings of joy and surrender are no longer working in the same way.
It has become clear to me that I must now learn to integrate *my own* masculine energy back into my life.
This feels like grief.
I read a beautiful IG post by @farahmsiddiq that said:
“Grief is the love with no place to go”
… and that is how I feel.
Blocked.
I have so much love for the masculine and yearn for the safety and security it provides.
It allows me to expand with such ease.
The thought of embodying my own masculinity scares me because I’m afraid if I become more masculine I will be trading the feeling of surrender for security and losing the external masculine I crave.
This is fear and I choose not to believe this story.
Instead, I chose to transmute this feeling of grief, by alchemizing my sexuality into creativity.
… to create a masculine container within my own self, which will allow me to *remain* in surrender while maintaining security.
Now, how?
Lokah = Container, where I can create in a free flow and serve through sharing my journey
bee.chair = Passive systematic income, so money is always arriving right on time
I’ve been walking around full of grief for who knows how long.
Carrying a full load of love with no place to go…
I’ve been looking in all the wrong places for the recipient.
Its me.
“it is safe for me to embrace and transcend the responsibilities and consequences that may arise from a fuller embodiment of my power”
This will be my mantra for the week.
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